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03-Apr-2018 11:57

They're not entirely to blame, I concede, nor are they alone in their simpering revisionism: for just as Thatcherism brought a wave of arrogant, sod-you selfish celebrocracy to Eighties pop, so, too, did Blairism effectively wipe out the ideological component of modern pop, emptying it of grass-roots political impetus in favour of less troublesome, easily harnessed celebrity-gesture politics.Not even Tony Blair, though, could be as bereft of driving principle as a band who sing – as Coldplay have – "I'm going to buy a gun and start a war/If you can tell me something worth fighting for". On another, possibly longer, list, there's plenty more to dislike about Coldplay – most of it, admittedly, concerning Chris Martin, the world's least impressive rock star by virtually any criteria connected with rock'n'roll as we know it.They've become the sonic security-blanket for millions of fans, their tracks sweeping by with the epic solemnity of state funerals, their huge, heartbreaking chord changes sucker-punching you with emotional logic while sapping any anger or political engagement – in the existential sense – that you might otherwise experience.Instead, Chris Martin offers a consoling arm around the shoulder and a nice cup of tea.Chris Martin's decision to sing in a register that, at times, strains his vocal almost to a yodel brazenly apes Thom Yorke's more skilful and restrained use of a similar vocal gambit.But where Yorke's subtler employment brings soul into prog-rock, Martin's gauche overuse has become a cliché, which itself has been aped by the likes of James Blunt, perhaps the band's chief rival in musical mawkishness.The film was still terrible, and when asked why on earth he had accepted the part, Murphy shrugged and said: "There was a knock at my door, and when I opened it four men came in bearing an enormous cheque." One can only wonder how many musclebound oafs were required to carry the cheque that persuaded Eno to produce Coldplay's new album.

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And in a few cases, the songs do seem to be about things, rather than just anaemic expressions of emotional indulgence and limp consolation, like X & Y. None of my personal or professional acquaintances, nobody in the street or the local café, not a single soul will admit to liking Coldplay or purchasing their music.

Indeed, most seem to agree that they epitomise everything that's wrong with modern rock music. Who are those masses politely arrayed in their thousands at stadiums when Coldplay play?



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